What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
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I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
this has done me in for some reason
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”