“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
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Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
I drew y’all a little something.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid