Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
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Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
When he asks for feet pics
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
the best thing i’ve ever made
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Extremely relatable.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”