It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
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Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.