[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
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*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
no one likes gloating
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.