The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
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Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
this could fix me
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
This took me a second..
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3