Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
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One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
“i am a sweet baby”
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never