When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
You Might Also Like
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh