stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
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… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.