“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
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*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Stop it! 😂
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.