me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
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People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
twitter is a journey
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on