Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
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If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?