I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
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8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits