Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
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Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.