Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
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Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
My dad teaching me to drive
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?