My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
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The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!