In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
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Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”