Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
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My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.