Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
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i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.