I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
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11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
“I FIXED IT!”
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Chemical wingman
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.