Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
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Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.