I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
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Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song