Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
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If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.