Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
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My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.