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how many bears make up a bear minimum
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Me trying to walk in a dream
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Rambo Rambow
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell