I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
You Might Also Like
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
The Onion called it…again.