My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
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*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
don’t we all
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
honestly, i need both:
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.