Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
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Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.