[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
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Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes