I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
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I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C鈥檓on…please? You鈥檙e her offspring…she鈥檚 less likely to harm you.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Owls only seem clever because they鈥檙e nocturnal. All the people you鈥檙e comparing them to are drunk.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 馃檪
[speed dating]
Her: I鈥檓 a little bit country.
Me: I鈥檓 a little bit ready for the next person.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
As a belated Valentine鈥檚 Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Body by Oreos
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
My friend says her Dr told her she鈥檚 underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 馃槏馃コ馃コ馃コ they left a first-floor window unlocked and i鈥檓 just walking around in here!
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Me: you can鈥檛 spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Wait a minute
My mom said if she鈥檇 known grandchildren were so fun she would鈥檝e skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that鈥檚 another day鈥檚 problem?
Please tell me I鈥檓 not alone on this.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.