Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
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The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
it was a valiant fight
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.