October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
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Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Always a metermaid never a meter
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
doing some research
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong