wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
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Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.