After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
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Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.