My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
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My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Dead sexy!!
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!