Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
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“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don鈥檛 even think about it when I鈥檓 here
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
I鈥檝e trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 馃惔”]
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Can鈥檛 afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
i don鈥檛 know what i鈥檓 going to be for halloween so i鈥檓 probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.