The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
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My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.