2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
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My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!