This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
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I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter