Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
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there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum