I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
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Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌