“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
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Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
secret recipe