“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
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If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae