I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
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well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
all bases covered
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.