Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
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Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Driving in Europe vs Canada
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.