me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
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*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me: