These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
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Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
My patience has stretch marks.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.