Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
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*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Waiting for the Charmin
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush