Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
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I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
How about daylight saves us for once
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.