*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
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reverse psychology? that’ll never work
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
🤣🤣💀
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
*ernest hemingway voice*
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.